I imagine I am seeing this out my window...and I am thinking about the events of the day...a bit introspective as usual.It was a slow, busy day - I had a lot I wanted to do, but didn't do a lot - I rushed and I worried about being finished with the tasks I had set before myself, but really there was no need. The more I accomplish around my home, the more I see for me to do and it can be overwhelming. The better it gets, the closer to perfect I want it to be - and that is unrealistic. I know this, yet I stress about it anyway. *shrug*
For some reason I always hear this is in the back of my mind: "It can be better you know, it can always be better." "You can do better, you know, you can do better." It's always pushing me...don't accept the status quo...do not be, what's the word? - content. I fight it a lot. Sometimes I try to block it out. Act like I don't hear it. Let things go - because it "could be worse, right?" And then it spirals out of control and I get this horrid monster that I can't handle. And it eats me. In tiny bites. Then it's louder - "It can be better, you know; you can DO better!"
Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag!! SHUT UP ALREADY!
Anyway, something else. I've been pondering the way imposed change affects people - of all ages. It's quite common and expected that when small children deal with large changes in their lives (new babies, a move, a death, etc.) that they will regress in their skills and behaviors. Children previously potty trained have accidents. Those who used to sleep thru the night, will wake again. Some even want relationships as a whole to go back - as in the case of the older brother of a new baby desiring to be "babied" - held, carried, fed, rocked.... you get the picture?
Wondering, in that "what do you do while you wash yet another sinkful of dishes" kinda way - I thought about if and how adults regress when confronted with imposed or sometimes even self imposed changes in our lives. How do we react spiritually? How do we handle MAJOR stress? How do we handle challenges to our beliefs and thought processes?
Personally, I know I get really and truely GRUMPY. I snap and bark and claw and have a huge desire to retreat to a cave somewhere on a mountain where no one will bother me. So socially, I regress in a way. Spiritually, I fall back into the "Does God care? Will he DO anything?" kinda place...never mind that he has shown over and over that yes He does and yeah He will - tho it may not be just the way and when I want. So, spiritually, I regress as well.
Cyclically, this reminded me of the Isrealites in the Old Test. wandering in the desert for 40 years. At every new change in circumstance they regressed to doubt as well - even tho they had witnessed many miraculous interventions by God on their part. Good to know I'm not the only one. Sometimes judging by the way I behave you'd think I knew nothing of God's grace! To top it off, I also sit judgementally over others and think the same of them in their "regression". *rolleyes*
So next I wonder what to do with this....is there something I can do to prevent this with myself? How can I deal gracefully with other people when I see them "regressing"? More hmm's than I have time to answer right now, but you know, I'll be thinking about it. *laugh*
And yet another rabbit trail.....
Sometimes things just fly right out of my mouth. *embarassed* I say things and then realize how mortified I would be if someone had directed that same comment to me. *sigh* Tonight I did it TWICE. I think something "got snipped" in there as Tally says. Anyone know how to hotwire a control for the mouth? *laugh* Lord, place a guard over my mouth!
Switching topics yet again, was the weather not glorious today? I wish it had been just a tad cooler so that I might have opened all the windows and listened to the rain and smelled the freshness of it all. It's raining again as I type - what a wonderful sound. Who is it? Eddie Rabbit? Who sings that song I Love a Rainy Night? Well, anyway...I do...
*humming*
ah, yes..here it is:
I LOVE A RAINY NIGHT
Eddie Rabbitt
* Well I love a rainy night (2x)
I love to hear the thunder
Watch the lightning
When it lights up the sky
You know it makes me feel good
Well I love a rainy night
It's such a beautiful sight
I love to feel the rain
On my face
To taste the rain on my lips
In the moonlight shadow
# Showers wash
All my cares away
I wake up to a sunny day
'Cause I love a rainy night
Yes I love a rainy night
Well I love a rainy night (2x)
Repeat *
Puts a song
In this heart of mine
Puts a smile on my face every time
'Cause I love a rainy night
Yes I love a rainy night
Ooh I love a rainy night
Yeah I love a rainy night
Repeat #
Can a person hum in their sleep? *laugh* Sweet dreams...
4 comments:
Well I hate that I apparently missed the two times you said more than you should have to someone!
What better? You can do what better; homeschool your kids, kiss a boo boo, care for a dog, wash a dish, srcub a toliet, be a wife, be a pastor's wife, be a christian?
I guess you could but then something else would suffer. You make choices everyday that allow you to be the best you can be in that circumstance for that moment.
If you're talking about being perfect, yeah you could definately be better. But we're not talking about that are we?
We're talking about being comfortable in your own skin aren't we? If God is for you, who is against you? Yourself? Only you have the power to be satisfied with you.
A constant reminder of what God did for YOU, a constant note to self that you are worthy just as you are b/c God said so, letting go of the monster of our upbringing that continues to take little bites b/c we let him. Yes, let him. Choose this day who you will serve! Your past or your present (God's promise of Heaven)
Then extend grace to yourself if you KNOW you fell short and let it go!!!
You are such a wonderful person, full of love, life and laughter. Free yourself to really enjoy your life. (dirt will always be here even after your gone!)
I love you!
Thanks, Lynda. (((hugs)))
I rarely let myself enjoy my own accomplishments for more than a moment - then it's the "well, this could have been better" or "that should have been a bigger priority". It does suck the joy out of things - and you know I mean it SUCKS. *laugh*
And as far as this goes:
"What better? You can do what better; homeschool your kids, kiss a boo boo, care for a dog, wash a dish, srcub a toliet, be a wife, be a pastor's wife, be a christian?"
Well, frankly, YES....there is an overwhelming sense of lacking in all of the above areas you mention. It'd be nice if I felt that I could say I had truely mastered just one of them! *chuckle*
And I think I am finally becoming more comfortable in my own skin, thankfully. Now if I could just get all of me on my side. (stupid discouraging voice)
Thanks for the encouragement - it means ever so much. (((sniffly-hugs)))
My cousin once got an unwelcome set of mouth control hardware. She got hit in the mouth with a softball and spent the next few months with her mouth wired shut and drinking hamburgers through a straw.
"wired shut" is not exactly the means by which I wish to guard my mouth - but I can definitely see how that would work! *laugh* I'll pass on that one....I've been hit in the face with my share of balls already - and had my cheek bone cracked. OUCH.
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