clarification

Let me clarify the previous post. *smile* I am in no way tired of being a mother...of small children or big children. I love being mommy and reading stories and watching them figure things and create things and try new things - even if for the boys the new things aren't always food items. *laugh* I am trying to say (which I did not do very well) that I am a better mommy if I am refreshed every once in a while. A dried up bean isn't going to feel refreshed if you run it up under the water tap...you're going to have to soak it overnite! *laugh*
My point is that I have been relying on myself to be renewed. Relying on myself to find some time of solitude because solitude is how I typically refresh myself. What I needed, and still need, is to rely on God. I don't need to change my situation. I don't need to change my children or my husband. I don't need to change the fact that I ordinarily would draw strength from social seperation - God created me that way! But I do think that there are times when we need to rely on God because it is a chance to shine a light on His strength! Motherhood, for me, is a time where I am really not going to know or learn all the answers. I need Him to guide me and show me the best way to parent my children. Ultimately that's what I want. I want to hear His voice tell which way to go and when to stop. I want to be able to praise Him and show other's how He has led me. *smile*
But when I am weary, I don't listen very well. I don't mother very well. I am not a very good wife. I have a short fuse...impatience is not a trade mark of motherhood - well..not one that I aspire to, anyway! The "fruits" are just as dried and shriveled as I when I am weary and it is embarassing to admit that. It's like my ears are stopped up and all I want is to find a quiet spot - even a closet and hide away until I can relax. (Sadly, I probably look more like my two year old in sore want of a nap!) That won't work for us right now! Situationally, I can't just tell the kids,"Mommy will be back in a couple hours. Have fun and behave." That would be how I found the quietness to refresh on my own instead of drawing it from God little by little thru out my day after a major refreshing to begin. I think I am repeating myself at this point. *laugh*
I guess instead of just trying to learn something new every time I open my bible, instead of trying to commit something else to memory, instead of searching for the verse that will inspire, I need a smaller focus that is not on myself, yet will reflect back to me. I need to let God be the source of strength and renewal I say he is and seek from Him.
Does that make better sense? *laugh* I'm still not sure. I already have a bit of fog rolling in.


*****************************************************************************

Father, after seven hours of sleep I am still tired. I still do not feel well. I have such a full weekend ahead of me. As my wee ones are still sleeping, please draw me into you and fill me with your Spirit. Give me the strength to go about my day joyfully. Grant me patience beyond anything I ever thought I could attain myself. Turn my heart toward kindness - remind me of how you welcomed the little children even in the midst of your work. Help me not to envy other mothers away on retreat this weekend and those at conferences. Do not let me be rude or snippy or snarky. Place a guard over my mouth - I do not want to be held accountable for those kinds of words, but I know that I will be if they explode from my mouth! Continue to help me place others before myself. Please place a cap on my temper. Remove words that accuse like "you always", and "you never" from my lips. Bless my children and my Husband. Father, please guard them with your angels and protect them from the evil one. Thank You for the Faith you have placed in my heart, the Hope of Your kingdom to come, and the Love that You are and always will be. My intent today is to serve my family with love. In Jesus' name I ask these things.
Amen. amen.

\o/\o/\o/

tired

I'm tired. Sure, I'm tired physically after a long day, but I mean I am emotionally, maybe even spiritually, weary. *sigh* I had an epiphany last nite on the way home from a friend's house and I've been mulling it over all day. I visited a new forum, Women @ Home, and was reading a scripture verse that someone shared from their daily reading....and my response sort of mirrored what I've been thinking. Here's the verse:

For he that will love life and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile.
I peter 3:10

And my response:

Good food for thought today.
My tongue is my weakness. Sooo hard to control it. Though I would suppose that if I were persistant in renewing my mind daily in Christ as I am supposed to my tongue wouldn't have so much to say that I could be ashamed of.

(emphasis added for this post)

Here's the verse in mini-context, so to speak:

Romans 12:1-3 (New International Version)
Romans 12
Living Sacrifices
1Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. 2Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

Really, here is the key - my epiphany. I am weary. Yet for some reason, as I thought about how much I want to retreat from things - yesterday I kept thinking about how nice a mountain lodge full of books would be - this verse came to my mind. It was a gentle reminder that what I am doing with my children is a worthy ministry. It is a ministry that God has equipped me for and is more than willing to sustain me thru daily...thru the renewing of my mind in Christ Jesus. In my service I am offering myself as a living sacrifice.
Yes, retreats are good. Times of silent contemplation and reflection are wonderful. However, at this present time it is not possible. Rarely do I get to go to the bathroom alone or without "thru the door" conversations! Good news abounds in that God is with me whether I ascend a mountain in solitude or not. I can be filled with his Spirit without a Holy Pilgrimage. Christ lives in me. I do have small moments to capture thru out my day.
So...I'm concluding with the thought that I need to make sure that I am purposfully seeking to be renewed - that spiritual fulfillment. I need to dig deeper, maybe even dig longer, in the Word. Not just a superficial ascessment while reading - taking the grains off the top of the wheat stalk. I need to consume the entire column of grain...chew it...and chew it some more. *laugh* I guess I could be like a cow.
Well, I think my thought process is muddying and I see the evidence above of break down so I'll stop now. Maybe..just maybe I'll add more tomorrow after I've had sleep and can make coherent sentences and spell things correctly. No promises. *laugh*
(I may also include some major editing to this if I come back and read it and it doesn't make any sense! *laugh* *yawn*)