clarification

Let me clarify the previous post. *smile* I am in no way tired of being a mother...of small children or big children. I love being mommy and reading stories and watching them figure things and create things and try new things - even if for the boys the new things aren't always food items. *laugh* I am trying to say (which I did not do very well) that I am a better mommy if I am refreshed every once in a while. A dried up bean isn't going to feel refreshed if you run it up under the water tap...you're going to have to soak it overnite! *laugh*
My point is that I have been relying on myself to be renewed. Relying on myself to find some time of solitude because solitude is how I typically refresh myself. What I needed, and still need, is to rely on God. I don't need to change my situation. I don't need to change my children or my husband. I don't need to change the fact that I ordinarily would draw strength from social seperation - God created me that way! But I do think that there are times when we need to rely on God because it is a chance to shine a light on His strength! Motherhood, for me, is a time where I am really not going to know or learn all the answers. I need Him to guide me and show me the best way to parent my children. Ultimately that's what I want. I want to hear His voice tell which way to go and when to stop. I want to be able to praise Him and show other's how He has led me. *smile*
But when I am weary, I don't listen very well. I don't mother very well. I am not a very good wife. I have a short fuse...impatience is not a trade mark of motherhood - well..not one that I aspire to, anyway! The "fruits" are just as dried and shriveled as I when I am weary and it is embarassing to admit that. It's like my ears are stopped up and all I want is to find a quiet spot - even a closet and hide away until I can relax. (Sadly, I probably look more like my two year old in sore want of a nap!) That won't work for us right now! Situationally, I can't just tell the kids,"Mommy will be back in a couple hours. Have fun and behave." That would be how I found the quietness to refresh on my own instead of drawing it from God little by little thru out my day after a major refreshing to begin. I think I am repeating myself at this point. *laugh*
I guess instead of just trying to learn something new every time I open my bible, instead of trying to commit something else to memory, instead of searching for the verse that will inspire, I need a smaller focus that is not on myself, yet will reflect back to me. I need to let God be the source of strength and renewal I say he is and seek from Him.
Does that make better sense? *laugh* I'm still not sure. I already have a bit of fog rolling in.


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Father, after seven hours of sleep I am still tired. I still do not feel well. I have such a full weekend ahead of me. As my wee ones are still sleeping, please draw me into you and fill me with your Spirit. Give me the strength to go about my day joyfully. Grant me patience beyond anything I ever thought I could attain myself. Turn my heart toward kindness - remind me of how you welcomed the little children even in the midst of your work. Help me not to envy other mothers away on retreat this weekend and those at conferences. Do not let me be rude or snippy or snarky. Place a guard over my mouth - I do not want to be held accountable for those kinds of words, but I know that I will be if they explode from my mouth! Continue to help me place others before myself. Please place a cap on my temper. Remove words that accuse like "you always", and "you never" from my lips. Bless my children and my Husband. Father, please guard them with your angels and protect them from the evil one. Thank You for the Faith you have placed in my heart, the Hope of Your kingdom to come, and the Love that You are and always will be. My intent today is to serve my family with love. In Jesus' name I ask these things.
Amen. amen.

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